one more week.

it's sunday night, i'm curled up on my favorite couch with tea and candles, and getting ready for my last week in germany.

the last time i updated was after holland. plenty has happened since then. i went to visit my friend B and her sweet little boy ezra, and we spent about a day and a half together. her husband gerson is another good friend of mine, but he was out of town. we all started here in siegen the same semester.. 5 years ago! crazy how much can change in 5 years. the Lord's been very good to us. it's always a blessing to talk with them about ministry and life.

the rest of the week was spent gearing up for the next leg of my journey, and trying to rest up and not get sick. [the illness was merely delayed.] for on saturday the 22nd, i and four dear german friends got on a plane and headed to the middle east/asia minor for a week long prayer outreach.

we spent time in two cities, and our agenda was to pray. so we had times of prayer in our hotel, at tea places, walking around the cities and by the sea, and at a few other places which had nice views of the cities. one of the cities has a few known believers; the other has none. it's a muslim country. 

it was a stretching week. you'd think a week of praying wouldn't be so hard. but it really is exerting. we were often tired, and all of us got sick at some point during the week. i had a fever two nights, and a really sore throat which led to a cough which led to bronchitis. three of the others either had or currently have bronchitis. i've spent the past week just resting and trying to recover from that. some nights were fairly sleepless, some days seemed like we were running against a brick wall. some days it was hard to keep praying. some days it was hard to focus on what was being said, especially for me, the resident native english speaker. my german reached new heights last week, out of necessity! it was hard to just live and be but also realize the spiritual reality of the places we were in. but despite the hard things, it was such a blessed week.

it's our work to believe God. it's seems much easier to have a checklist and to do those things, one at a time, and to look back on our progress. it's another thing entirely to go and to just believe and to ask the Lord for faith to believe great things of Him. to believe that multitudes will come to know the Savior who loves them. one couple we met, who are believers, said they had never heard that God could love, before they heard of Jesus. this is a foreign thing, but the gospel reaches beyond culture. it reaches hearts. it saves souls.

it was an eye-opening week. it was a motive-challenging week. "why do i really believe what i believe?" "is christianity so important to me that i would come to a place where people are sometimes openly hostile toward it, to share the love of God, regardless of the outcome or response?" when it comes down to it, i think my faith had to grow down roots last week, or make wings and fly and never again be seen. faith has to be real in a place like that. if it isn't real, then it certainly isn't worth losing everything for it. if it isn't worth losing everything, that they may gain everything God has in store for them, then why would i even dare to presume that people would want it?

the reality is, Jesus died and rose again that the whole world might have life. they have to choose what to do with Jesus. [but first they have to hear about Him. and how will they hear unless they are told? and how will those tellers and gospel-proclaimers preach unless they are sent? how beautiful, indeed, are the feet of those who proclaim the good news...] 

and i have to choose what to do with Jesus. am i only willing to serve Him when i'm in a comfortable place with people who are like me, in a nice church building with comfortable chairs and really good worship and a sound doctrinal message? is that really what church is about? we know it's not supposed to be that way... but so often, it stops there. we like things to be beautiful, and nice, and comforting to ourselves. often we simply do church because. not necessarily that Jesus' name would receive the glory and the praise- that every tongue in heaven and earth would confess that Jesus is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

i think we often don't think about why we're christians. we don't think about the gospel. it makes life better for us, right? sweet. totally. i can't imagine my life without Jesus. i would be a basketcase without Jesus. He is daily renewing me. but in that renewing process there had to come a point where i took a cold hard stare at the gospel and said "do i really mean it all? is it really worth my all? and if so, am i really giving my all? and is Jesus worthy of my all?" i'm still at that point. i need to understand the gospel, in its simplicity and its power. the gospel is brutal to sin and the flesh. the gospel is not about all that i can get for me. the gospel is the best thing that can happen to me. we are meant to be in a personal relationship with God and He wants it and i need it- and He has to deal with sin in order to make that happen. so there's the cross. so there's the blood of Jesus which washes sinners white as snow. so there's grace- great marvelous grace, which is a free gift, and in which i stand, and by which i am saved from the black hole of trying to work my way to God and salvation. there's hope in Jesus. there's life in Jesus. He only is the way, the truth, and the life. He is indeed the truth- if you don't believe it, try Him and see. if you seek Him, you will indeed find Him. He said so. He doesn't lie.

so my mind is still trying to process all these thoughts. to understand the gospel with my heart. i'll never fully get it with my head. the wisdom of God seems like foolishness to man. but He ordained it to be that way. i'll never with persuasive words of human wisdom be able to show people why Jesus is the only way. but in sincerity and truth, preaching Christ alone and Him crucified, i can offer life abundant through Him. the gospel is so simple, but it requires all your heart, soul, mind and strength. it requires your whole life.

so i want my life to be sincere. i don't like games. i don't like saying one thing and doing another. i might do it sometimes but i know it isn't right. we're called to holiness. we're called to godliness. we're called to leave our sin at the foot of the cross. maybe that sin is unbelief, maybe it's compromise, maybe it's saying we're walking in the light when actually we're still walking in the dark. maybe it's not truly loving one another, maybe it's not letting God put His finger on our sin and wash us clean, maybe it's just not obeying the Word, or not even reading the Word. maybe it's living by fear and not faith. maybe it's letting the enemy control our thoughts and not letting Jesus truly be the Lord of our lives. maybe it's not obeying what we know the Lord has told us to do. sin's ugly. we're people. we all sin. but there's hope. there's life in Jesus- and there's the Holy Spirit who does the work within us, making us new, transforming us, making us like Jesus, producing good fruit within us as we abide in Him.

this turned into kind of a long rant. it's not really directed toward anyone in particular. maybe it's because it's directed toward myself. i need Jesus. i need Him to deal with my sin. and i know that as He does that, He is also directing every single step of my life. in Him i find everything i need. everything.

i have one more week in germany.. a little less, actually. then a few days in england. and then home again. there will without doubt be countless people in the next two weeks who ask me what i'm doing with my life. where i'm going. when i'm going. bla bla bla. i don't really have answers for them. i didn't come out here to find answers. i came out here because i knew i needed it, and i knew i was supposed to come. and at the end of my trip, i can truly say i was supposed to come. i did need it. it was wonderful. [it still is.]

this trip has given me great perspective. i've seen so many ministries, met so many people, had so many conversations, shared my heart so many times, prayed with so many, and have spent hours trying to process it all.. ministry, calling, life, choices, big things, little things. everything. i haven't figured it all out yet. but this i know: God's work is His work, and it's a blessing to be part of it, whether in the thick of it or praying from halfway across the world. [if you're a christian, you probably ought to be in one of those two camps at all times, and probably both of those camps most of the time. just saying.]

and this i also know: God directs the steps of the righteous. if you've read this far, you've seen a bit of my heart. i don't know if i'll ever share this stuff with you personally. maybe. we'll see. but instead of fretting for yourself or for me what we shall with our lives do, let us trust the Lord, commit our way unto Him, and watch Him bring it to pass. be careful, friends, in suggesting an abundance of good things to people who want to do the best thing. it can be fairly crippling. i've received many an invitation, many a welcome, many a suggestion of what to do with my life. they were all well-meant, but those things please me and frighten me at once. i trust in the Lord to give me direction, to put on my heart what to do next, and what to do after that. i do not want to live fearing the future or what could be. i want to walk by faith. help me to do that. pray that the Lord will continue to strengthen my faith in Him, though that may mean having an even looser grasp on the things of this world, and that He would be true to His Word and continue to faithfully direct my steps. i just want to please Him and do His will. wherever, whenever, whatever. He's my Lord.

maybe that all makes sense, maybe it bored you enough to make you check your facebook, maybe it struck a nerve. either way, that's where i'm at. i want to obey Jesus. and i want to bring honor to His name. sometimes that takes sacrifice- not legalistic sacrifice, but obedience. it'll cost you to obey Jesus. it might cost you some of the nice things you like the best, if they're getting in between you and Jesus. but if He asks for them and you're willing to give them to Him, it'll bless you more than you can imagine. so be transformed by the renewing of your minds in the washing of the water of the Word this week, friends. time's short. let's redeem it. let's be all His. let's love Him with all our hearts, and love people how He loves us. let's walk in sincerity and truth. He is absolutely worth it. our lives may not seem like they matter so much in the long run. but a heart that seeks after the Lord and desires to honor Him is always, always blessed. let's be blessed.