i'd like to bake a carrot cake.

but the trouble is, i don't feel particularly inclined to peel carrots. also, i have no pineapple. the internet tells me i can substitute apples for pineapples; it must be the common denominator in name. [sometimes that works in other places, but don't count on it.] but wouldn't i need to peel them too? that just gave me a great mental picture of peeling a pineapple. first i'd peel away the pine, then the apple. i've decided to write instead. maybe it'll muster up courage. maybe it'll burn energy. only time shall tell.

i used to bake a lot. i rather enjoy baking. the conditions in which baking holds the most possible joy for one such as i are as follows: one, quiet house; two, kitchen to myself; three, good music; and four, all the time in the world. somewhere amidst the vast unseen wiring of my brain and, therefore, person, there exists a very low capacity for tolerating loud noises, the feeling of being rushed, and a shared kitchen. i dearly love the people with whom i do dwell, and i am assured of their lifelong love for me [as i have dwelt among them, and never once in a tent, since the dawn of my understanding of time.. give or take a few years in europe], but when i have asserted myself into the creative and tactile pleasures of baking, i do not especially relish anyone's presence. i think it makes me feel as though i may possibly make a mistake [people are terribly distracting]. and if you're going to go through all the trouble of baking something, it's preferable to know what you're doing and/or feel confident that it may indeed succeed. [that being said, i am capable of baking in the presence of others, and experienced at failing at baked goods; be all at rest, insecure baker or bakeress.] [[i just made up that word and i think it's tops. also, it rhymes with rest.]] also i don't eat much that can be baked anymore, unless it's a vegetable.

i used to blog a lot too. the vague realization that nearly 14,000 people have visited my blog has recently arisen upon me. [..has recently upon me arisen. i like version two better. either it reminds me of foreign grammar, or old books. probably both.] the general perusal of the posts i've posted heretofore will verify the veracity of this and the aforementioned paragraphs' point.

but the point is, i don't really bake or blog anymore. it's kind of weird. well, to be entirely factual, i don't really do much of anything anymore. i used to work; stopped. i used to bike; got cold. i used to do lots of things; got sick. this summer i read a million and a half books [actually, it was 30]; don't even really do much of that anymore. kind of.

last week i had a really hard week. it felt like my brains went on furlough and forgot to invite me along. i couldn't think, and that's kind of my favorite pastime. i couldn't read two sentences together, but neither of them made any sense on their own anyway. it was kind of scary. i felt so disconnected and unable to reconnect to anything at all. but i slept a lot; that was a plus. i am really grateful for sleep. some nights i wake up three or four times, but last week i mainly could sleep anytime, forever. "He giveth to His beloved sleep."

i stopped consuming all forms of caffeine five months ago, in the beginning of june. [here's a few brief tips: be prepared for the worst week of your life // you will become unusually angry // valid explanations of your behavior are gladly accepted // if you don't explain, they may just assume you've turned into a crazy person // the headaches don't last more than a week // it is possible, but for heaven's sake do it in the summertime.] life became much slower paced, due to various circumstances and choices. it was good. but having tasted and seen the glorious horizons of a once-caffeinated brain, it's hard to come back down to normal life without it. i was sick, uncaffeinated, and thoroughly unamused. and i like being amused. but i was resting.

i kind of go through phases of amusement/unamusement. first, after giving up caffeine, and having been given a reason to give up the rest of the busyness, i amused myself by sleeping as much as i needed. then by soaking up all the summer sun rays i could manage. then by riding my bike slowly into the sunset nearly every evening. and by reading all the classic children's books i could find. and by gallivanting out in nature. and by instagramming tiny beautiful things for which i was thankful.

and i was thankful. and i appreciated those lovely things. but somewhere in the mix, either the wonder, the practicability, or the energy for all of those wore off, and i found myself last week again encased in blankets, with no more summer to cheer me up. so i had a cup of green tea on saturday. it was really hard to do. i'd been perfect at not having caffeine for five months. i didn't like what it was doing to me back then, and i stopped it. i didn't want to trick my adrenals anymore that they actually worked when they actually didn't. but i bit the proverbial bullet and made the tea. and it helped. and it reminded me that though it may be figuratively or actually dark, the dawn of hope yet remains. i could think again, and could focus all my energy into ridding my abode of long-ignored clutter and dust. i could make jokes again; it's been months since i could do that. i could walk around without feeling i may tip over at any moment. i could focus better than i had in many weeks.

i had a little caffeine yesterday, and got through a long day at church without the usual desire to flee from all personal contact. it isn't that i don't like people; it's just that there isn't anything in me to say, and that's a crushing realization, and one that's easier dealt with by flight than by fighting it out or explaining. i had a little more green tea today, but it didn't all the way help. at least it has antioxidants.

i've more or less been able to read again in the last few days too. i'm thankful for that. somehow all of the hundreds of books with which i'm daily surrounded lost all their charm and interest for a while. so i waited, and i'm gradually getting back into it. not dozens at a time, but one really good re-read is currently delighting me.

i think i had a really good and clever point toward which i was coming in a roundabout way for this post, but i think i may have forgotten. if you'd like to be amused, read through the posts from 2010 and 2011. they're hilarious. i was in the thick of a different health adventure then, but one infused with a bit more pharmaceutical energy.

eventually i suppose i shall arrive back at a place of creativity again. i'll be glad for such a day. but i know that this season is teaching me and shaping me into something better than i could ever have been in its absence, so i'm thankful. someday i'll have enough internal resources stored up to peel all the carrots, and the pineapple to boot; to write a blog post from beginning to end on the same train of thought; to read books and see people and have things to say; to stand up without immediately wanting to sit back down for internal reasons; to go places again; to have a cup of coffee for really reals just because i like it.

but tonight i've done all i can do, and it's enough. isn't it wonderful to realize how much grace the Lord constantly extends to us? if we were always strong, we wouldn't need grace. if we were never weak, we'd never know what paul told the second-corinthians to be true. but when we're just too weak to bear anything at all, we've still got the same amount of grace. and God's not upset because we're doing less highly-caffeinated and in-some-ways-possibly-regrettable busy little things. "i'm learning the to-be of be still." être. selah.

so if it's a choice between carrot cake and grace, i'll take the grace. these mountainous obstacles of tiny everyday things which today seem so terribly impossible to overcome shall one day become a plain, with shouts of grace, grace to it.