Geh nicht den Weg, den alle gehen. 
Geh deinen eigenen, bunten Weg voller Abenteuer.

happy birthday pancake.

i should have taken a picture of it... but it had to be enjoyed while it was still hot. my brother made me a chocolate chip waffle pancake with sprinkles and a whipped cream happy face at work today. i very rarely eat pancakes, or sprinkles [tragic, i know!], or whipped cream, but man that thing was good!

i've been enjoying receiving birthday notifications all day long from all across the world. my dear sweet Lord has blessed me with some dear sweet friends. so thankful.

the last year of my life was pretty intense. a year ago today i received my initial sponsorship to be a missionary in the UK. it expired twice, and my visa wasn't able to be processed. the Lord gives, the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

a year ago next week i was in the hospital getting my first round of chemo. i was on crazy pills for months and chemo for four weeks, and foggily lived through my adrenal system shutting down for a while. today i can look back and see God's faithful hand at work in my life and in my health. my platelets have been sustained at normal levels for months, and i only have to get them checked once every EIGHT weeks. pretty sure i'll never have such a needle-filled year again! God is so, so good to me.

a year ago i had no idea that my 25th year would be the last year of my life with my sweet grandma in it. but the Lord knew. i am so thankful i was home the final year of her life, and that i got to see her often. i'm so happy she's with Jesus now, even though it's a little weird not getting a birthday card from her in the mail with a picture of a cheeky little girl with huge glasses and out-of-control curls looking back at me. i am so thankful for my grandma's legacy. i know i'll see her soon.

a year ago i couldn't really imagine what life would look like today, or in the time between then and now. it certainly surprised me. it's been hard, and intense, and stretching, and discouraging, and life-giving, and hopeful, and peaceful, and joyful.

a year ago i was really seeking to understand. life. calling. ministry. the gospel. lots of things, all tied together, all at once. i'm still at that point today, but i have a year's worth of study and prayer and questioning behind me, and one more year of being washed by the Word of God. i'm growing and my mind is being renewed. it's not my goodness; it's all His.

a year ago i was waiting. waiting for paperwork, waiting to hear if my platelets were dropping, waiting to hear if i needed chemo, waiting for visas, waiting for a green light, waiting for direction. waiting, waiting, waiting. but trusting the Lord and knowing His goodness, in the midst of waiting.

a year ago i thought i'd be done waiting by now. the thought strikes me now and then that: "i could have been done with a complete other season of my life by now if this or that would have happened!" true, but this was the season for the past year. and, i must add that a year ago, i had no idea i'd take a 10-week journey this fall across europe to visit missionary friends, to bless and build up, and also to be blessed and built up myself. oh Lord, You are so good. i needed every bit of that trip, and it happened so naturally and came about so quickly. You really did it. when the time is right, nothing can stop You from accomplishing Your will.

and so, the fact remains that the waiting season remains. i have learned contentment more times than i ever thought necessary. it is absolutely necessary. without contentment, any season can be the worst. but godliness with contentment is great gain. when we come to Jesus, we do find rest for our souls, no matter the outward circumstances or inner questions and fears. for while a season may seem as though its only goal is learning patience, a great many other lessons can be learned meanwhile. and i believe God's Word when He says that chastening is necessary so that the beloved children may be partakers of His holiness. i want that. it's worth the wait. fruit takes time.

one day soon, i suppose, this waiting season will be over. maybe this year. maybe not. maybe i can already guess what'll happen. maybe; probably not. nevertheless, i'll just wait, and seek to understand the Lord's will, to know the Lord, and to be found in Him. He has begun a good work in me, and will be faithful to complete it!

You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. John 15:16

what and why.

today i got up early, because i was awake.
today i mailed some packages, because i've been wanting to do that for ages.
last night i cleaned up my bookshelf, because it was in shambles.
today i stayed home from work, because i'm slightly concerned for the health of the world if i go out with a cough like this.
today the tree cutters chopped down our second-to-last big tree, because it was too far split to remain next to our house.
last night i found the pocket university, volume twenty-three, on my bookshelf, and today i am commencing following its lead, because i can.
today i am trying to figure out what to ask for my birthday, because we all know i get major anxiety about determining such things.
lately i have been reading and researching a lot about a lot of things, because i feel i need to understand.
soon i need to purchase a beautiful orange-red nail color, because having considered it for nearly three months, it is in fact a necessity of life.

and now, i will inform you how i feel about each of the aforementioned items:
responsible.
successful.
organized.
somewhat justified.
sad.
determined.
undetermined.
learning and growing.
nearly complete.
ha ha, just kidding but seriously on the last one.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

high five, 25.

today whilst discussing my forthcoming 26th birthday, i was informed by a seven-year-old that i "really don't seem that old."
i took it as a compliment indeed, and told him that i really didn't feel that old either.
i have nearly survived an entire year of being twenty-five. it's been intense. but not bad. just intense.
also, i have entered my sixth year of blogging.
also, we have snow now. but not quite enough to snowshoe.
what kind of birthday cake should i request?

thanks, Lord.

Vision and Darkness

Jan

19

2012

When the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and behold, horror and great darkness fell upon him —Genesis 15:12

Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in “the shadow of His hand” (Isaiah 49:2). The saint’s duty is to be still and listen. There is a “darkness” that comes from too much light-that is the time to listen. The story of Abram and Hagar in Genesis 16 is an excellent example of listening to so-called good advice during a time of darkness, rather than waiting for God to send the light. When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him (see Isaiah 50:10-11).

Do I trust at all in the flesh? Or have I learned to go beyond all confidence in myself and other people of God? Do I trust in books and prayers or other joys in my life? Or have I placed my confidence in God Himself, not in His blessings? “I am Almighty God . . .”— El-Shaddai, the All-Powerful God (Genesis 17:1). The reason we are all being disciplined is that we will know God is real. As soon as God becomes real to us, people pale by comparison, becoming shadows of reality. Nothing that other saints do or say can ever upset the one who is built on God.

-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

probably vain, but whatever.

i had MEGA short hair, and it felt so long back then..

well, you could.

people keep telling me they just don't know what to do. this is a general statement to which i nod and smile in equal parts agreement and laughable conundrumism. you don't know what to do, i don't know what to do. it's remarkable. it's kind of funny. it's kind of absurd. it's pretty true. but i think you could figure out something.

for example, several people specifically told me they don't know what to do about it being 55 degrees out in minnesota in january. with no snow on the ground. all winter. they just don't know what to do.

i told one lady we couldn't complain. i think she thought i was telling her to stop complaining. i felt bad, a little. but i don't know about you not knowing what to do about it being SPRINGTIME weather in january. so in case you told me that, and you are still stumped, here are some options.

you could go somewhere without a winter jacket [you know we dread the first cold day of winter on which we have to don them]. but maybe it's a security thing. we are minnesotan. we wear coats. we may choose not to zip them but that is our free choice! i think we also become overly accustomed to having large pockets in which to store all sorts of bulky goodies. use your hands! put the mittens back in your pockets and leave the coat behind! or leave the junk behind. or both.

you could go somewhere fun. to my knowledge, there have been approximately two days this winter where the weather posed a slight-to-middlin' threat for driving. i do not think i have seen a snowplow yet this year. we spent last winter driving what seemed like thousands of miles a month, in the worst winter weather i can remember. and this year, we don't go anywhere, and we don't even check the weather. because there is none. no winter weather advisories for us. no sir.

you could also do something fun. like going to the state park and hiking with a friend for three and a half hours. [that was last week's adventure day.] you could take your brother up on his offer to go for a bike ride, for example. [a bike ride? like riding a bike? no ice? no wind? no frostbite? no snowbanks? no vision-impeding drifts? no polar bears roaming around? this just doesn't happen here.] YES, you should definitely get your brother and your bikes and head out for a wild forest biking adventure. because you can. [and we did.]

that's the thing, you see. there are things you can do, which are really options, and there are things you can't do, which are really not options. it's easy to get sidetracked by the things you can't do, or the things you wish you could do, or the things you wish you were doing instead of the things you have to do or find yourself doing. but there are things you can do which do not break your heart, and those are the sort of things you should do when it's sunny in january. it's fifty-five and we're alive, kids! you could make puns, for example.

honestly, you could do nothing and keep complaining. but that is definitely the option we are trying to avoid.

or you could do one minorly awesome thing and sit back down in your house in amazement while the sun still shines, and glory in your singularly singular thing that you did. and write a blog about it.

nah.

she-bot-uh, part one million.

i realize i talk about bread baking pretty often on this blog. it's personal without delving too much into my mind. probably you are all sick of hearing about bread. but you should really come over and try some.
last night, for whoever is amazingly still interested in bread after all these posts, i made the best batch of ciabatta ever.
it started out as the worst looking batch of ciabatta ever. no joke.
it was like SOUP. every time i had to fold it, it was more like my hands were instantly encompassed with goop. like, extreme goop of soupy glutenous matter. by the fourth folding it was almost as solid as the usual batch before folding commences.
it had a few days in the fridge. it rose, but not really as much as usual. new fridge too, and it was all in one bowl instead of two [figured goop on one was enough to clean up].
i took it out yesterday, and there were bubbles covering most of the top of the dough. they literally looked like hard-boiled eggs floating in a sea of... gluten soup. mmm, egg-drop gluten soup!
but upon beginning to form it into loaves, it was the lightest, fluffiest dough i've ever felt. ???
it sat out on the counter longer than usual, because i was busy doing other things.
i baked it on my new pizza stone.
the loaves were funny shapes because i had to throw the dough onto the stone by hand [i have no bread peel. do you pity me enough to get me one? just kidding.. but seriously]. so there are a few squiggly loaves.
but shoot dang. that stuff was good. it was sooooo light, with good bubbles inside and a nice but not extremely chewy crust on the outside. it was even good today. it might even be good TOMORROW still.

just goes to show you, to be aesop for the moment, that things are not as they first appear. even when they look grim. and dismal. and not full of vim. and chances are slim. and everything's dim. and nothing's chim-chiminey..

they just might turn out to be better than you ever, ever, ever dreamed.

i'm hoping that ciabatta was a picture of my life.
oui, s'il vous plâit?
X