this hope we have as an anchor to our soul.

Approach, my soul, the mercy seat,
Where Jesus answers prayer;
There humbly fall before His feet,
For none can perish there.

Thy promise is my only plea,
With this I venture nigh;
Thou callest burdened souls to Thee,
And such, O Lord, am I.

Bowed down beneath a load of sin,
By Satan sorely pressed,
By war without and fears within,
I come to Thee for rest.

Be Thou my Shield and hiding Place,
That, sheltered by Thy side,
I may my fierce accuser face,
And tell him Thou hast died!

O wondrous love! to bleed and die,
To bear the cross and shame,
That guilty sinners, such as I,
Might plead Thy gracious Name.

“Poor tempest-tossèd soul, be still;
My promised grace receive”;
’Tis Jesus speaks—I must, I will,
I can, I do believe.

-John Newton, 1779

happy.

that my family is all together.
that i am with them.
that it's thanksgiving.
that i have a great job.
that i have the night off.
that thanksgiving food is the best ever when cooked by my mom [and g-ma and sis-in-law].
that the snow is crunchy outside.
that our house is snug and warm.
that i am so very very blessed.
that i have such wonderful friends.
that i'm saved, redeemed, and loved by a Faithful, Everlasting, Grace-abounding God.
that i know whom i have believed.
that i have a hope and a future.
that there's leftovers in the fridge.
that squash is so delicious.
that my platelets are up to 300k!
that i have so very, very much to be thankful for.
love!

ta-da!

bike song's up. check it out, yeah?

a tisket.

my platelets are up to 223,000 as of today! that means less pills to take and 5 whole days till i have to get labs done again. annie's a happy girl.

last night i made ginger-spice cookies, in case you wondered what became of the hand conundrum.

and i also worked on a song that sprung into my mind this summer after a mildly catastrophic event, which reminded me of a similar personal event in my own life, several years past. between last night and this afternoon/evening, it has been tweaked, lyric-finalized, chord-finalized, roughly recorded, and sent on to the experiencer of said former event for pre-screening, and then it'll be up on my pv. i hope you'll like it. it's good to remember and give thanks.

i have drank many various kinds of tea in the last two days, including: green mixed berry, peach passion something or other, palais royale which is german and very varied in berries, a really awful orange spice that began well and plummeted forthwith, and several thermoses of my mother's homemade minty blend. there's something so wonderful about a pot of tea. i really love yorkshire, earl grey, lady grey, and other caffeinated teas as well [especially with a shot of milk, delicious], but herbal's been my primary focus of late.

i also adore cinnamon right now. but i never could do the Big Red thing. it's gotta be legit cinnamon. we ran out last night [the cookies]. so, it was with heavy heart i fixed my oatmeal this morning, sans cinnamon. :(

it is so cozy and warm in my basement [my current location]. i have tea, my old keyboard, my computer, a semi-comfortable stool and a very comfortable chair [sitting on the stool for ease of playing/typing, gazing longingly at comfortable chair], and brand new carpet to boot.

maybe i'll camp down here tonight..

cozy day.

today is the first day in a long time that my afternoon priority has been something other than "nap." it's really pretty wondrous to experience being a little more spunky than usual. but it's sort of cozy-spunky. sort of as an added benefit, i'm ready to get my crafty on.

i got a beautiful letter from a dear friend today, in which she reminisced a bit about old times we had on Nightingale Way, sipping tea, enjoying the silence of a grey day like this, talking or not talking, praying, cleaning up, making a mess in the kitchen. just reading the letter made me rummage through my sock drawer to find my Echte-Deutsche-Oma-Socken [socks made by a real German grandma], because i always had to borrow some woolly goods to warm my soggy feet after a drippy uphill trot.

so, while neither of us have the opportunity to go back in time and over the sea to revisit that peaceful street, i kind of got inspired again. life's been busy lately. i get so many phone calls, it's almost overwhelming [i'm a 4 phone calls per year type girl, whether i need to or not]. and these are all from my recent explosion in acquaintance with medical professionals. i'm feeling ok in general, for which i am truly grateful. but being sick takes time, as do working and sleeping and playing with nephews and driving around the prairie for hours on end.

so now it's time for that loveliest of questions, "what shall i do with these hands You've given me?" i've had a bit of a dry spell, creatively speaking. sort of. i go in spurts. i read about another creative person [musician/artist/writer] who couldn't really do more than one "medium" at a time- she'd go through a painting season, and later a writing season, and then a music season. i was grateful to read that. i've loosened up a lot on self-expectation and over-achieving-eager-beaver-ness, but i still feel the need to achieve sometimes. i think we all do.

anyway, the most recent season has been one of hearing and learning new music. and also of playing classical [of course]; i find that the dip into colder temperatures has made me really crave bach and handel and other more baroque composers. [i was wild about the romantic period this fall.] i play some of these baroque pieces and take an imaginative trip into a chilly cathedral and soak in the ambience. i'm not that big on cathedrals, but my heart will skip a few beats upon hearing a good pipe organ. and i can't help but love bach's heart. and the way his mind worked. and the way his hands played.

it's been a season of reading and pondering and reading and praying and taking a proverbial bath in Scripture. so strong are the promises. and they all fit together so perfectly. the Word is living and active in my life- are you letting it transform your mind? let's be washed in the water of the Word. time is short.

i've missed riding my bike, but walking isn't so bad. it's always good fun to walk as fast as possible, until my hands regain their warmth. but i'll miss my bike. i know i talk about it alot. it was such a peaceful outlet. i love fresh air. and riding fast. and watching the scenes by the bike path change from week to week.

i haven't really even been reading much else lately. i have about 12 half-read books on my bedside table [always]. i like them when i read them. but it isn't really much of a reading season. i started another one yesterday. we'll see how that goes.

it's been a writing season for sure. i guess that has been my creative outlet. maybe you haven't noticed, but words have regained their preeminence on this blog. i probably have some photos to upload. but words are nice.

anyway, getting back to the creative thing, i think i'm ready to be crafty again. i love being crafty. but i am not as craft-prone as some, being of a more painstaking and deliberate nature. i really wish i had learned how to knit socks, because i think it would be a good outlet for my hands. i love using my hands. i have mentioned this before. hands are the best. if i were to lose my hands someday, i know God's grace would supply all my need, but i would miss them something dreadful. i am so thankful God gave us hands.

i like the quietness of this current season. it's chilly and the sun is setting earlier every day and the wind makes your nose run and your cheeks flush, but it's really wonderful to feel winter. i shan't wish for any great storm of snow, but i wish every year for that first-snowfall-night's perfect quietness and wonder and snow-so-quiet-you-can-hear-every-flake-fall. i think when there's peace in our hearts, nearly everything is more lovely.

i might sew something tonight. or make some really delicious cookies. or paint. or something.

but no matter what i do today, it'll be a little slow. no pressure. "sometimes i just sits and thinks, and other times i just sits."

sits-ing is good too.

sweet surrender. [psalm 141:1-2]

Lord i cry to You
help me i pray
give ear to my voice
though my need is great
You are greater still
there is nothing too hard for You

let my prayer be as incense before You

lifting my hands in sweet surrender

let Your love be the fragrance that lingers

here in my heart i am Yours

in sweet surrender

every tear i cry You gather
answering my prayer
and all the mighty things You have done for me
i could never count them all

let my prayer be as incense before You

lifting my hands in sweet surrender

let Your love be the fragrance that lingers

here in my heart i am Yours

in sweet surrender

-mary barrett

p.s. we're up to 69,000!

i have decided.

..that i really especially need a vest. not a camo vest with built-in bullet holders or a blaze orange hunting vest with grouse feathers and blood and cockleburs still attached, or even a life preserver vest for safe canoeing, or a sweater vest like one in which my cousin attends formal functions, or a suit jacket vest a la cummerbund, which, coincidentally, is practically the most enjoyable word to say aloud in the entire english language, or a neon reflector vest a la construction worker or extreme maximal safety man bike rider.

i need a sweet vest. it probably shouldn't be quilted, or smocked or ruched or macraméed, for that matter; and whoever pete is, and why this matters to him i know not, but for pete's sake, how do you spell that last m-word? i decided for the accéntuated e, for overall classiness, and the unaccéntuated e for overall just-to-be-on-the-safe-side-edness. nevertheless, forgive my scatterbrainéd ways, dear pete, but that's not what i want on my vest.

it could feasibly be of some sort of knitted substance; i like knitted. but it has to be good knitted. none of this  i-was-knitted-on-a-machine-a-bazillion-weeks-ago-by-a-robot-who-doesn't-care-about-knitting business, please. i mean, come on. not to be nit-picky, i'm just a little picky about my knits. [dad, i hope you are reading this, because that pun was entirely for your express benefit and good-will.]

moving right along, my vest-of-dreams ought probably be lined with something warm, fuzzy, and cozy. flannel could work, for, as we are all well aware, it is a wonderful fabric of which i am most fond. also, that sort of fuzzy blanket material, of which my dear friend Red [the blanket] is composed, could be a possibility, as long as it isn't too bulky or, well, to put it frankly, too staticky-warm. cozy, yes please. slow-cooker, no thanks. i like my crock pot on the counter.

you know, one of the most admirable traits of vests that i can perceive is that there is no vest with sleeves too short. there is viably a vest that could be perfect for every person in the world. um, mind-blowing?! what a thought. i have discovered the perfect addition to everyone's wardrobe. except for the minuscule [by the way, who knew that word had only one "i" and two "u"s??! i've been enlightened] quandary that practically nobody looks good in vests. but let's not be hasty in judging a book by its cover [which i do on a very regular basis, especially at the thrift store. bad cover, no purchase necessary.]: there very well may be a perfect specimen of perfect clothing article [namely, vest] for every dearly beloved soul in the world. but i think you probably need to discover your own ideal vest. this takes at least half an hour of drowsy sunday afternoon on-couch reminiscence.

other admirable vest traits which i hold in high regard are suitable color choice [drab is absolutely appropriate and also versatile], buttons [bigger is better; toggles are grand; natural substances such as wood or elephant tusk are optimal], length [too short is very embarrassingly noticeable in vest attire, people], and just-the-right-snugness-of-waistband [these things must be pondered, you see] are all key players in this rough-and-tumble game of perfect-vest-choosing-and-appropriately-pulling-off-and-sporting.

i love hyphenation. can you tell?

ok, ok, so the icing on the proverbial cake is the ultimate power vested-in-vests. vested, invested, are you noticing a theme here? vests are great, and should not be feared. the best part of a vest, concluded upon through hours, days, weeks, months, maybe even years of pondering this formidable [english] and formidable [french] subject, is the hood. hoods can make or break the success of many an attempted article of clothing. but hoods can be your best friend.

case in point: it is raining, and you straightened your hair for the first time in a year and a half. you wear your hood. you look amazing.
case also in point: it is cold. your ears are numb. and you have to walk 12 more miles uphill in the bone-chilling wind. your hood saves your skin temperature, improves your overall enjoyment of said 12 miles, and keeps you looking stylish, all whilst blocking the wind.
case thirdly in point: you are in class, and your professor has just said something that you emphatically disagree with. by popping your hood, you reveal your inner disagreement and/or chilliness to said professor, with minimal violence or heated argument involved. just don't fall asleep. or plug in your earbuds.
final digression: you just really want to feel cozy. your mind is unwilling to move on in any direction until you provide coziness. all you need is a hood. close your eyes, soak in the goodness of the hoodness, and move on your merry mindful way.

my vest needs a killer hood. and the epitome of good hoodness is faux fur. every time i see faux fur, i want a vest. crowned and bedecked with a bumper crop of faux fur to cover my crazy crop of hair. it's so cozy, and lion-like, and wind-blocking, and free, and exuberant, and mysterious, and glorious.

and it's another way to avoid wearing the winter coat before its proper season.

blippity blop.

IFB. that is an abbreve [which is an abbreviation for abbreviation] for "it's friday baby." it's something a friend of mine always said in germany, every friday, at the top of her lungs, usually whilst riding her bike and ringing her bell. it kind of became habitual for a large number of us to incorporate this joyous phrase into our weekly vocabulary. [generally we said it on fridays.] it's kind of happy huh?

so i have a mysterious disease called idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. whoo, doesn't that sound awful? it's not so bad. it means i got a bunch of bruises for no apparent reason, and it also means that i have way less platelets than i ought to have. ie, there are supposed to be 100,000 and i've got about 19,000. that is a difference of 81,000, which sounds fairly significant to me. so i got to start taking some medicine today. not just one or two pills. oh no, i get to take 13 pills a day. all at once. lucky me huh? they taste horrible. but they are small.

i also have been very sleepy this week, which leads to several manifestations, namely napping, and a few interesting word combinations and sudden overcomeness of fatigue. sometimes i can't make decisions and sometimes i forget what i'm doing. but i think that's normal. i think my spellchecker doesn't like that i just said "overcomeness." oh well, it'll get over it.

i was also instructed by my kindly doctor to avoid doing high-risk activities. and i'm not allowed to ride in cars with reckless drivers anymore. bummer. i don't know what my life will look like without those.

in other news, we're getting a snowstorm tomorrow. well, that's the prediction anyhow. did you ever notice how many words can be conjunctured [i can't think of the right word right now] with the word "any"? anybody, anyhow, anywhere, anytime, anything, anyway? anyway, i hope it's nice snow. and not sleet-ice, or to put it more quaintly and/or efficiently, "slice". why don't they call it that anyway?

i was supposed to go to the cities today to see a concert with my friend jacque. we were both pretty stoked to have a friday night activity in which to participate [non-reckless, of course]. but i opted out of it, mostly because of the many hours i'd be driving. i didn't want to become a drowsy driver, if you know what i'm saying. know what i mean, jelly bean? i think that if someone were to call me "jelly bean" in any other setting than the one i just put forth, i'd be slightly embarrassed. probably embarrassed for them and awkward for myself. i am glad that "jelly bean" is not a typical term of endearment.

i keep remembering and then forgetting [blaming that on the platelets] that i have a genuine flannel shirt. it is pretty huge. and red and black. and flannelly. isn't flannel the most comforting fabric you ever felt? i should be wearing it today for flannel friday. maybe i will later.

oh, i forgot to mention that my medicine is supposed to make me extremely awake. oh great. well, i have two new books to read.

continuing on the subject of flannel, if you haven't yet seen the recent Toast catalogue [i think it's called "home" or something], you are definitely going to be doing that as soon as you finish reading this blog. there are so many pairs of flannel pajamas! but they spell them pyjamas. and i am in love with a pair of £69 socks. and there's this thing with a hood that i like too.

i think my last day for a bike ride has come and gone. i'll miss riding my bike. we've spent so many hours together this year, since i got it in april. almost every day we hang out. and we haven't even crashed. i consider that a great accomplishment.

well, lots to be hopeful about. i'm thankful. and i'm waiting for my meds to kick in so i don't have to take the nap i'm about to succumb to. and i see a bird nest out my window.

love a.

favoritos.

here is an off-the-top-of-my head list of my current off-the-charts favourites.

squash. i would eat this every day for every meal. literally. in all honesty, i pretty much do.

blueberries. frozen, then thawed, then eaten in copious amounts. my preferred method of ingesting antioxidants.

thinking you hear a coworker say "copious" when actually she said "miniscule."

words. i have, since beginning to speak at a very early age, always been extremely fond of words. they give me so much joy.

music. this is going to have subcategories.
a. piano: i got to jam on my favorite piano ever this week in california. oh yeah.
b. currently-stuck-in-head-favourite-songs [sub-sub-categories]
-who are we fooling feat. aqualung by brooke fraser. several hours of every day of the past month have been lived to the tune of this song. it's so hopeful and honest and sad and real. and the climax note when brooke sings 'undo' just about undoes me because she's realizing that she can't undo it. ahh.
-restless by audrey assad. clearest voice i can remember hearing. and i'm not gonna lie, the harmony line makes me want to scream it's so great.
-we share our mother's health by the knife. again, another every-day-of-my-life sort of song. mostly because of all the layers together-at-once. this is my roll-down-the-windows-and-drive-33mph-to-the-post-office-and-back song.
-you'll come by hillsong/brooke fraser. just learned it this week, and she wrote in 2007?? where have i been?
-hysteric by the yeah yeah yeahs. i really expressly need a friend named derek. [oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh, it's derek!]
-mountains beyond mountains by arcade fire. the whole album [suburbs] is so enjoyable. i sing this song at work nearly every day. quietly, of course. usually. [i've often imagined the irony of actually experiencing "they heard me singing and they told me to stop / quit those pretentious things and just punch the clock" while i'm singing that specific song]
-um, keep the car running?? what an apt description of my fellow mn citizens. and she plays the hurdy-gurdy. [also by af]
-re:stacks by bon iver. perfect grey day song. crispy realization.
-sort of by ingrid michaelson. what can i say, it's catchy? and it talks about hands? and i love hands?
-the rip by portishead. a new going-to-be-favourite, i think. the fade from guitar to synth is seamless and heart-bursting.
-hard to get by rich mullins. punch-you-in-the-face honest. i think honesty is a theme i appreciate.
-everlasting arms by vicky beeching. every time i hear it i love it again.
c. making subcategories that really only have two points.

going along with the honesty theme, truth is a favorite. it's something i love more every day. especially The Truth. God's Word.

speaking spanish. my guatemalan coworker is helping me learn/putting up with my obstinate practice. pobrecito.

adjusting my english from american to british. examples: spelling it favourite instead of favorite and xx instead of xo.

brooklyn accents. i hung out with two amazing twin sisters from brooklyn this week. they've recently moved to florida. please say that with a brooklyn accent.

love. i love the love with which God loves me. and the love with which He enables me to love. i love so much!

nephews. [always.] we played Swing Rocket last night. totally spontaneous awesome game which lasted probably 20 minutes. that is a long time.

minnesota. i just love this place. but i have recently realized that i no longer hate california. uh oh.

coffee. this is perennial. i brush my teeth a lot to make up for it.

dear friends. i am blessed blessed blessed. i love the people i know. so much.

sunshine. this is one of the greatest loves of my life.

picnics in the park! we're having one now! tschüüüßie!

on winter coats, or "for ashley wirtz."

winter is fast upon us. [before i continue, is that an appropriate english sentence? it seems really german to me.]

we know this because of:
1. the date
2. the increasingly fewer daylight hours
3. the windchill

nevertheless, there is a deep-ceded-seated [thanks mom!] rebellion within my soul at this time of year. it is not violent, it does not effect or even concern others beside myself, nor is it illegal. perhaps it is improper, possibly even stupid, and in all probability lends itself to contracting month-long coughing spells and other forms of ill health [ahem, ashley].

it's more of a stubbornness. against convention. against unwritten law. against the acceptance of winter's arrival.

for it is namely this: ashley wirtz and i refuse to wear our winter coats.

until..... [this part hasn't been previously discussed]...

well, for me, provided that it doesn't get seriously below zero, it's going to be the first legit snowfall. [originally it was until the first of november, but we're golden. why not persist?] until then, i've got a bunch of sweaters, scarves, and mittens,

and i'm not afraid to use them.

and they shall suffice.

and we shall overcome.

and probably we will be particularly grateful for the cozy warmth of our winter coats when we do decide to don them, and we'll be excited to wear them, and it'll be new, and fun, and nice. and our other winter-coat-wearing-since-the-end-of-september friends will be nonplussed about theirs. they won't even realize how warm and cozy their coats truly are. and in the end, as long as ashley gets over that wicked cough of hers, we will be getting the better end of the deal.