deliberance.

de·lib·er·ate

 adj \di-ˈli-bə-rət, -ˈlib-rət\

Definition of DELIBERATE

1

: characterized by or resulting from careful and thorough consideration deliberate decision>

2

: characterized by awareness of the consequences <deliberate falsehood>

3

: slow, unhurried, and steady as though allowing time for decision on each individual action involved deliberate pace>

[source]

how much of what we say
is said deliberately?
how much thought goes into the thoughts which come out of our mouths?
do our thoughts have the time to enter our hearts before they are spoken
and set forth for the world to hear?

how much of what we read
was written deliberately?
with much less thought of how many will sell
or of who will think us sarcastic or funny
and much more thought of this i know to be true ?

how much of what we listen to
was composed deliberately?
not some mediocre jumble of the same four chords
with a terrible knack for saying what's already been said
4000 times over
nor some multi-platinum 3.5 minutes that achieved a well-known's acclaim
nor even some emotional tease with a short-lived incessancy
but a musical thought
developed
inspired
given time to become an intricate creation ?

how much of what we do
is done deliberately?
not some habit or duty or privilege or rut
but a chosen path
based on previous thought
by proper means
for an ultimate purpose?

un-deliberate-ness is probably quicker.
un-deliberate-ness is probably easier.

un-deliberate-ness is probably... deliberate.

how much of what we read and listen to

becomes a steady diet of accurate truths

which spurs us on to greater consideration

which in turn develops our thoughts and forms our ideals

which produce deliberate words and deeds?

how much we would benefit
if we'd take the time
to be deliberate
to think deliberately
to deliberate over what we see and hear and read
to deliberate [v.] more
and to speak, do, and live more deliberately.

gifts.

while holidays are by no means solely for the purpose of giving and receiving gifts, a little gift-giving here and there can't hurt. here are a few gifts i've recently received which are bound to be enjoyed for years to come:

-Toms. currently being shipped to my house. my feet are so ready to enjoy them!!
-various coffee mugs. there cannot be too many, and each one is closer to perfection.
-scandinavian almond cake pan. i'm using it this week.
-candles. one cannot go wrong with candles.
-plants. here's a tricky one. i always love plants, get excited about plants, adore plants, want more plants. and, without fail, i kill plants.
-books. i just received britt merrick's Big God in the mail from dear friends.
-favorite movies. 4 little words packed with so much childhood memory and friendly fun: anne of green gables. watching some tonight. [by the way, i continued on in Anne of Windy Poplars last night- when Katherine Brooke finally becomes a real person- ah, so wonderfully written.]
-socks. i'm not kidding, i get really excited about receiving a great pair of socks.
-cards. i was given the sweetest, simplest little card from a coworker for my birthday. the few words therein spoke volumes. it reminded me that loving people is why i have a job.
-kind words. they're probably the best gift to receive, and one of the most delightful to give.

awakening.

winter makes me tired. hibernation seems to be an inherent instinct, at least in far-north-dwellers such as i. the biggest battle of winter seems to be one of resisting tiredness, of exerting great effort toward staying awake, of climbing out of complacency and trying to accomplish at least something before the sun goes down. after the sun departs for the afternoon... it only gets harder!

i don't like feeling tired. there have been points this winter when i've felt like there's a cloud over my mind, keeping me from even feeling awake, and taking all my energy with it. no amounts of coffee can help this sort of feeling - in fact, coffee only makes it worse, after a certain amount has been surpassed. when i feel tired, i become slightly irrational, small things become big deals in my mind, and i can't accomplish anything.

today i've felt tired. i've felt like there's a missing connection between my head and my body [not as much as i felt earlier this winter, but that was for an entirely different reason]. i felt like i just couldn't "kick into gear" all day at work.

but outside, it's beginning to awaken with thoughts toward springtime. it's sunny and warm and melty - just like in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe when spring begins because Aslan has returned! it's wonderful. i went outside in tall rubber boots [fondly referred to as Dog Boots in our family, which title dates back to the days when we had a dog and chores were accomplished in similar footwear], and enjoyed pushing snow and ice off of the trampoline, walking around the general neighborhood, and tromping straight through slushy puddles on street corners and sidewalks, whilst filling my lungs with the chilly yet sun-warmed air. it woke me up.

spring is the coming-again-to-life. i've lately been thinking of last year's change of seasons- we had a similar brutally cold and snowy winter, which ended abruptly on the first of march. from then on we had a month of fog and block-long puddles- but no more snow. i was outside nearly every day, walking through the mist, noticing the size of the puddles on this or that street, and relishing in the sounds and sights and smells of a gradually awakening spring. eventually i got my bike and the radius of my adventures increased as the waters receded and the sun warmed the earth.

i've thought lately about seasons, and why people choose their favorite of the four. i've long thought fall was my favorite: it is quite an agreeable temperature, and really lovely to behold in all its glory. it's terribly reminiscent. i don't think many people pick winter as their favorite in this climate, although i do know a few who have said as much, but it is beautiful albeit long. my favorite attribute of winter is its wonderfully white and subdued color scheme. the whites and tans and greys and hints of red and wonderfully blue january skies are one of the most inspiring seasons to me. summer is probably my favorite season of the past few years- i can't get enough of sunshine and warmth, although i'm not terribly partial to humidity or bugs. and we all know that i love to ride my bike, especially to watch the cornfields get plowed - and grow - and surpass me in height - and freeze - and turn from green to nearly white - and get harvested - and return to the rich gray-black of freshly plowed earth. it must be acknowledged that the saturation of color and peculiarity of light before, during, and after a summer thunderstorm is one of the most thrilling of all sights to behold. summer is bright and the days are long and the nights are even nice.

but this year i think i most anticipate spring. not for happenings [which shall assuredly come], nor life changes [which seem to be probable], nor birthdays [which are nice and quite regular in occurrence; i had one yesterday], nor for plans or even purposes. i most anticipate spring because i've seen and known the depth of life which springs forth from the depths of the earth and gradually changes the entire face of the world, and i desperately want to see it happen again. it's warmth on your face and light past dinner time and the joy of daily checking the progress of the crocuses. it's the smell of outdoors which cannot be duplicated in any other season. it's the hope of summer and the reality of spring. it's even seeing worms again, no matter how loath i am to touch them! it's especially seeing the grass, and the mud, and the birds, and the bunnies, and the buds on the trees. it's the gradual progression from wearing boots-scarf-coat-mittens to boots-scarf to flats-scarf to the first day when you don't wear any of the above and you don't get your feet soaked, and it's glorious!

it's also merely the 28th of january, and i realistically allow that the negative side of zero shall yet again soon be attained, that more snow shall inevitably come, that bare feet shall not soon be the wisest course of action. but oh, today makes me hopeful for the springtime. i desire awakening in my heart and mind and life. i so love the seasons and the lessons which they so regularly enact for our especial benefit and learning. i love that a season of darkness gives my heart greater expectancy for a season of light. seasons are good for us. so i'll enjoy the winter while it's here, but i do very eagerly await the beautiful reawakening of spring, with a cup of tea in hand.

there are.

a lot.
of things.
that get.
left unsaid.

and that's.
probably good.

weekly revue.

this week, we youngest three offspring have held down the fort whilst the parents are away for some sunshine, a conference, and some friends. this arrangement is not uncommon to us, but this week i've taken the approach of: "be their sister and not their mother," as i have learned from past experience that the latter does not bide well with teenage brothers. that being said, we've had plenty of fun!

weather-wise, it's currently -12F, with a windchill of -24F. our cold water pipes have frozen twice thus far; from now on, the faucet remains on drip! even that didn't entirely help us yesterday. my brothers are becoming quite skilled in thawing frozen pipes.

i went for a walk today in the sunshine. wool socks, fur hat, scarf over nose, and a brisk trot all aided in my successful arrival home. it was fairly brutal, but not deadly. for a while i was wishing that i was skiing instead... until i rounded the corner and the wind hit my face. at that point, i was glad to be in the neighborhood and sailing my way home as quickly as possible.

i've cooked every day this week, so every day i've had to handle a different variety of raw meat, of which i am no great fan. i'm not really scared of it anymore- i just still don't like to touch it. maybe it's the germ thing. or the frozen thing.

while my brothers are genuinely fairly grateful for whatever i serve them, each meal has come with a barrage of interesting comments. i'd say the oblong pancakes and clumps of bacon this evening were probably the most remarked upon of the week. we also had an incident with a sparking jar of nutella in the microwave- immediately removed, of course. but they valiantly and/or absentmindedly lended a hand!

the drumset, my large amp, and three pairs of shooting earmuffs have taken up residence in the living room, amidst 7 guitars and amps and piano and couches and tables and lamps. it's fairly noisy, but pretty fun! i love silence and i love music, and this week i've gotten plenty of both. i even had a nap today- in between drum sessions.

i got my drivers' license renewed today- for my current one expires in a week! birthdays are always strange. but i like them anyway.

i started reading a book yesterday, because it's been sitting on my shelf since this summer, waiting for me to pick it up. so i did, and lo and behold- i've read it before. weird. you'd think i would have remembered the title, or cover, or something! anyway, it's nice, and i don't remember too much of it- it's like dreaming a familiar dream again. [ok, we watched inception the other day.] speaking of deja vu, i know i either dreamed about Vevey, Switzerland, or read a book about it. seems like maybe both? cannot remember the book for the life of me. this trying-to-remember thought has been in my mind for several years now, i think. i'm reminded of it everytime i make a malt at work. Nestle is based in Vevey. and they make malt powder, which resides at eye level on the shelf! anybody know a book about Vevey? that's on my bucket list of places to visit. 

etc: i think the parents come home tomorrow. i wonder when my visa will come through. it's fun to look at [residential] flats online; although i suppose the shoe variety would be nice as well. spin pins are a great improvement on bobby pins for the securing of a side braid. eddie bauer winter socks are worth every penny. i still can't tell radiohead from four tet, but i'm learning. i hope it doesn't snow too much before i go to work tomorrow. i wonder how long the drumset and amps will survive in the living room before being evicted. i just finished 1 timothy, which was great, but i'm really excited to get into 2 timothy. and my platelets appear to be stable. ptl.

xx is the new xo.

whenever.

whenever i am afraid, i will trust in You.
in God [i will praise His word], in God i have put my trust; i will not fear. what can flesh do to me?

You number my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle; are they not in Your book?
when i cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back; this i know, because God is for me.
in God [i will praise His word], in the LORD [i will praise His word]
in God i have put my trust; i will not be afraid. what can man do to me?

for You have delivered my soul from death. have you not kept my feet from falling,
that i may walk before God in the light of the living?

ps 56:3-4,8-11,13

status.

current location: home, amidst, well, snow. do you appreciate that sentence? it looks like a list, but in all actuality it's a statement! nevertheless, home i am, and it's good. i get to share at my church this sunday about going to england!!

ca trip: was wonderful! it included:

-super late night at the lovely miss christa b's house upon arrival. we always have great conversations. i love her. she lives next to mexico. and she drove me to murrieta in the morning. and we had adventures, as per usual.

-calvary chapel missions conference 2011. it was excellent! it included:
.people! friends from california, germany, england, ireland, finland, peru, japan, mexico, croatia, etc, etc....
.fellowship! it was so encouraging to hear what the Lord is doing around the world through His church and His people. and to be able to meet, and share, and ask questions, and pray with so many dear friends. i was blown away at how vast a work is going on through Calvary Chapel in the world. it's not just america or europe....!
.worship! what a delight and a sweet blessing to be able to sit and receive during worship times, and to worship alongside my brothers and sisters.
.teaching! they sure brought the Word! i feel strengthened in my calling, challenged to trust the Lord more wholly and share the gospel more boldly, and exhorted to carry on more faithfully in my ministry. i'm getting the mp3s.
.hot springs, coffee, fun, sunshine, some of the dearest friends in the world? those but added to the goodness!

-an amtrak trip up the coast from oceanside to santa barbara. super fun! i would do it again. only two complaints: very loud and talkative man [we're talking extreme here, without exaggeration!] in front of me for 4 of the 4:40 hours!! and the sun set less than an hour after we took off. i wanted to see the coast!! but that first hour was glorious. i was blessed with an absolutely stunning sunset out the window over the pacific ocean, as we sped along through beach towns.

-3 whole days in santa maria with the berrys!! my dear friends hannah and conor picked me up from the train station and i spent the weekend in their hometown, with them and their darling baby girl fae, and got to know their parents a little bit as well! they hooked me up with an awesome little apartment to stay in, showed me around the central coast [san luis obispo, morro bay, and santa barbara], and took me to lots of their favorite places. the fellowship alone was worth the entire trip! we had so much fun. and fae and i simply had to meet. they are moving to bristol, england, in the very near future, and we'll be less than 2 hours apart! almost neighbors again! it was wonderful to talk about moving, ministry, the uk, home, family, music, food, games, random ca trivia, and lots more. loved it.

-one last night in santa barbara with the guziks! i had gotten to see david and inga-lill and aan-sofie at the conference earlier in the week, so this was the icing on the cake! they're practically my adopted family- i love them! it was great to see their home and go out for late-night fro-yo [frozen yogurt] with the girls, and be prayed for as i left in the morning. aan-sofie and i grabbed some delicious acai breakfast bowls on our way to the airport in the morning and enjoyed our last couple of hours together in beautiful LA traffic! we were able to spend most of the conference together as well, so it was a lovely send-off. i think both of us have learned not to take like-minded friendship for granted, so whenever we're together we try to pack in as much fun and encouragement as possible. can't wait to visit her in ireland!

visa: i think i've handed in everything pertaining to my visa sponsorship, so i'm just waiting to hear back from York about that! hooray! after i'm cleared for sponsorship, i'll be able to officially apply for my visa. i'll be using a visa agency, to make sure everything goes smoothly and gets done correctly the first time! in the meantime, i'm praying for wisdom and God's timing in everything.

house hunt: is still on! but i know it'll be great! i have a lovely flatmate!

crazy pills: are a thing of the past!!!!! woohoo! praying that the Lord will continue to have His hand on me and enable my body to make platelets all by itself again! i'm very hopeful and very blessed. i'm also pretty tired- but knew that would come.

sooo, that's the story. i've also been thinking in the past 24 hours about decision/decisiveness. i know i have a lot of room in my life to display more decision, whether in writing or thinking or accomplishing things or simply deciding. i'd like to grow in decision this year. i feel like a spend a lot of time in indecision, which generally causes stress and worry. so i'm going to try to write more purposefully on here as well. i'd like to continue posting regular updates on my visa process and prayer requests. i hope that suits you, dear reader. i think you'll appreciate more decision. just trust me.

kram!