snowy thoughts.

winter makes me:
a. sleepy
b. want to go ice skating
c. want to wear all of my scarves at once
c2. wear only one of them, usually, due to practicality and/or circulation
d. want to bake something really complex
e. want to eat what i just baked
f. have a headache after i ate what i baked
g. decide that i dislike headaches
h. decide that i will, nevertheless, continue to bake
i. decide that i will, however, discontinue use of sugar
j. get excited about waking up to open my windows to see the new frost designs on them
k. happy to see the sun
l. want to grow sprouts
m. thankful for long hair
n. want to chop my hair off
o. really love cranberry everything
p. MISS MY BIKE
q. want to knit
r. want to create anything and everything
s. want to stay inside on a horribly precipitous evening
t. want to go outside on a blindingly white day
u. want to speak german
v. correspondence-y
w. musically appreciative
x. voracious about books
y. adventurous about tea
z. appreciative about mittens
aa. apprehensive about travel
aa2. specifically apprehensive about air travel and layovers
bb. crave the orchestra
bb2. think about popovers
cc. miss the french riviera
dd. want to speak french
ee. excited to have a cousin possibly moving to france, whom i shall indubitably visit
ff. want to get really dressed up
gg. excited when i don't wear sweatpants
hh. thankful for hoods
ii. want to see mountains
jj. have a frozen nose
kk. go back to the thrift store repeatedly although i have already found all the finds to be found
ll. take extreme delight in home decor magazines
mm. miss wearing shoes with on-purpose holes in them
nn. not miss wearing shoes with not-on-purpose holes in them
oo. crave vegetables
pp. glad that i don't have cows to milk
qq. drink less coffee than in the summer [well, this winter anyway]
rr. feel like i need to have just arrived home after several months abroad
ss. glad to have a brief reprieve from the weather next week
tt. put my christmas ornaments on the tree
uu. include burrowing in my daily actions
vv. think i'm tan until i see people who actually are
ww. think of all the movies i'd like to rewatch
xx. love the colors of the landscape
xx2. love pretty much anything tastefully white
yy. interested in reading philosophy and theology and foreign books, also in good taste
zz. overall, glad.
zz2. overall, glad that it makes me glad and not sad!

xo/a.
ps. the picture just makes me happy, without relating to the topic at hand. they're viennese palace ducks.

grace like salt.

i don't really know what to think or how to act today; it's throwing more than myself for a loop. nevertheless, i am blessed.

probably the best thing i got for christmas was an answered prayer. you know how you pray and pray and pray for a certain thing that is sort of looming over your head, but still remains a long way off, and kind of scares, worries, or at least concerns you? it was one of those.

namely: trying to find housing in the 2nd most expensive market in the world, from several thousand miles hence. you probably can imagine, if you don't already know, that i am to be a supported missionary when i go abroad. i have been such in germany, and shall be such in england. if you hadn't already heard, missionaries run on a pretty low budget, primarily based on faith. i'm fine with that. it is how it is. i'm glad for opportunity to trust God and see Him provide.

so, having received wise words from other missionaries, my primary means of fundraising is prayer. prayer is basically my primary means of everything, ideally. whatever i do in my own strength [which generally equates to prayerlessness and stiff-necked-ness] tends to cause me more harm than good, and sometimes i find myself having done so, and reap the consequences. but ideally, walking in the Spirit and praying fervently bear good fruit in the long run. i am a fan of good fruit. so is God. Jesus talked extensively on the subject [John 15, etc].

nevertheless, prayer it was that resulted in a blessing on christmas eve. not even specific prayer. i had imagined such a thing quite vaguely, and cast it aside as impossible. so i prayed generally, because i didn't want to pray over-imaginatively and set myself up for a letdown! here are the gory details.

i need a house [in england apartments are called flats, by the way]. if i am to live in anything beyond a cardboard box beneath an area bridge, it would be wise to incorporate a roommate into my plans, thereby creating lower rent for both of us with greater space to share. there is also the homeyness of having someone else around, which is especially comforting and helpful in a new and unknown land. the funny and altogether believable thing is, i don't want to live with just anyone. i have had well over 20 semester-or-longer roommates in the past seven years. roommates are fearful and/or wonderful creatures. some are pretty nice though.

so i need a roommate [in england they are called flatmates]. this summer i met a few girls in london, thought they were all nice, had a great conversation with one in particular. but alas, she was happily situated in a flat with another girl from the church. not wanting to invite myself to move in as their third wheel/roommate, i prayed on, hoping for someone perhaps almost as nice [or the ability to afford a nice little place of my own]. but she was the one i would have wanted to be my flatmate, had i been given the choice.

several months ensued. february was decided on as my departure from home and arrival in the UK. sounded like a strange month, but trusted that it would work. continued praying for a flat and a flatmate...

christmas eve arrived last week. i talked about this topic with my grandma, expressed that i didn't exactly know where i would live, nor with whom if anyone, but again affirmed that i did trust the Lord to provide the right place for me. she agreed. that having been said, i went upstairs and checked my email.

and there in my inbox was an email from none other than the girl who i'd thought would make a dear friend and a lovely flatmate, telling me that in february [of all months], her contract was up for her current flat, and that her current flatmate would be moving on. and she wondered very graciously if i might consider being her new flatmate?

well, it's been settled since then, and we're still writing back and forth concerning details, and looking forward to our new joint housing venture!

but it's been a great testimony to the power of faithfulness in prayer, and, even moreso, to the all-knowing, all-powerful God who sees a little tiny unspoken request in a girl's heart and without even a word carries it through to completion. it was neither my own faithfulness in praying nor my faithfulness in "finding the right thing to ask for and asking it" that was the solution to this fairly sizable problem in my life- no, no. i'm humbled to say that it really has very little to do with me, besides that it is my life which happens to be in question. God has faithfully seen me through, and i trust that He would have done that regardless of my fervency in prayer.

but i do know that, having trusted the Lord when i knew not the outcome, i am blessed to have come through to the answer having been faithful to commit it to Him in prayer. this gives me a very firm hope that in every other area about which i am praying, He shall also answer in His perfect time, in His perfect way. i shan't stop now, but press on to completion, and pray these things [and people and thoughts and ministries and tiny mustard grains of hope] through. this is the exact reason why Jesus told so many parables, "that men always ought to pray and not lose heart." [Luke 18:1]

so, regardless of your faithfulness or mine, shall we not with renewed fervor continue steadfastly in prayer??

Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving. [Colossians 4:2]

God is for us; who then can be against us?

love, a.

timely spurgeon.

Dec. 27: EVENING. 

"And the LORD shall guide thee continually."

"The Lord shall guide thee." Not an angel, but JEHOVAH shall guide thee. He said He would not go through the wilderness before His people, an angel should go before them to lead them in the way; but Moses said, "If Thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence."

Christian, God has not left you in your earthly pilgrimage to an angel's guidance: He Himself leads the van. You may not see the cloudy, fiery pillar, but Jehovah will never forsake you.

Notice the word shall - "The Lord shall guide thee." How certain this makes it! How sure it is that God will not forsake us! His precious "shalls" and "wills" are better than men's oaths. "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."

Then observe the adverb continually. We are not merely to be guided sometimes, but we are to have a perpetual monitor; not occasionally to be left to our own understanding, and so to wander, but we are continually to hear the guiding voice of the Great Shepherd; and if we follow close at His heels, we shall not err, but be led by a right way to a city to dwell in. 

If you have to change your position in life; if you have to emigrate to distant shores; if it should happen that you are cast into poverty, or uplifted suddenly into a more responsible position than the one you now occupy; if you are thrown among strangers, or cast among foes, yet tremble not, for "the Lord shall guide thee continually." There are no dilemmas out of which you shall not be delivered if you live near to God, and your heart be kept warm with holy love.

He goes not amiss who goes in the company of God. Like Enoch, walk with God, and you cannot mistake your road. You have infallible wisdom to direct you, immutable love to comfort you, and eternal power to defend you.

"Jehovah" - mark the word - "Jehovah shall guide thee continually."

-Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening

amen. this so perfectly encouraged me this evening that i felt compelled to write it in my journal, and then type it out for those who may happen to read my blog. it's timely and powerful and so rich in promise. this hope is the anchor of our souls.

good night. -a.

thankful day.

i know it's christmas, not thanksgiving, but i'm thankful.

i'm thankful for my family.
i'm thankful for my home.
i'm thankful for the jigsaw puzzling happening in front of a roaring fire just to my left.
i'm thankful for the sun shining and making our loads and heaps of snow look like diamonds in cool whip.
i'm thankful for a peaceful house. nobody's talking, and we're all content.
i'm thankful for no pressure to be anywhere.
i'm thankful for a humongous table with chinese checkers set up on it.
i'm thankful that later we'll be all talking and laughing around the same table, while enjoying a smorgasbord of delicious food.
i'm thankful that we're all together.

i think christmas is a lot of times about traditions and keeping up appearances. you know, the whole "make sure you get the right gifts and enough gifts and decorate your house just so and have a nice outfit to wear and get the christmas cards out and a bazillion kinds of christmas cookies baked and go to all the christmas parties and see every relative you've ever had and burn all your candles at both ends until you're fried, etc" thing?

pretty sure that isn't what christmas is about.

christmas is about love. God loved the world so much that He ended our eternal separation from Him [caused by our sinfulness] by sending His own Son to earth. He put aside His privileges as God, and lived as a 100% man, although He was 100% God still. He became one of us. but He didn't sin. but He died the worst possible sinner's death, though He didn't deserve to die, thereby paying our debt for being sinners [death]. and then He conquered the grave. and sin and death and hell. [pretty much takes care of all our enemies!] and then He ascended back up to heaven, where He is seated on the right hand of the Father, and daily intercedes on our behalf!

that's a pretty incredible gift. all we have to do is accept that we need it. we need God's grace. we need His forgiveness. we need His love.

and once we accept it, the blessings begin to overflow! not only do we now have a relationship with the Almighty Creator God [who knows us better than we know ourselves, and loves us in spite of ourselves, because He is Good], but we've been given a greater benefit: the Holy Spirit. when we're filled with the Spirit, then He fills us up with His love. and joy. and peace. and patience. and kindness. and goodness. and faithfulness. and gentleness. and self-control. they aren't a checklist for us to perform; they're produced in us as we abide in the Lord and obey His Word.

this is abundant life.

i'm thankful for this abundant, Spirit-filled life.
i'm thankful for an everlasting hope, which is the anchor of my soul.
i'm thankful for so great a love.
i'm thankful for Jesus.

it's probably not His real birthday today [not sure if you knew that].

but it's a good reminder [if we take it] of how good we have it.
real good.

accept His grace. be filled with His Spirit. enjoy the abundant life.
happy christmas, dear friends!
love a.

it's

almost christmas
extremely snowy
nice to have a job
amazing to have nephews
time for bed
.

cafilornia! [sic]

well, i've made a purchase. there's no going back now.

i'm going to california in less than 3 weeks. for 8 days. i'm going to see so many beloved friends i can hardly handle it.

missions conference is first on the agenda. it's going to be amazing. actually, it could very well be overwhelming, with so many people to see and hug and catch up with, and so many coffees to drink, and so much richness and encouragement to soak in, and so many hot springs in which to dip my toes.

i am super excited that my roommate-to-be is none other than the amazing aan-sofie, who is visiting well-nigh half of the european union on her flights back over from ireland! i can't wait to hang out with her!

and i'll get to see her parents, who also double as my adopted parents and dearly loved director and wife from my years in germany!

and i'll get to hang out with my new pastor and his family who are flying in from england!

and i had better be seeing vanessa sanchez!

..and untold numbers beyond those. i have high hopes.

after the conference, i'll finally be making my way up to the famed 805 for a long-awaited visit with my dear friend hannah! she and her husband and adorable daughter will be moving to england [only a few hours from where i'll be] in february, just like me. so blessed to have time with them before we all head out.

oh, so much goodness. i'll get to see the sun, too!!

i am/should.

i should:
be doing laundry.
be wrapping presents.
be sewing presents.

i am:
delightfully contented.
contentfully delighted.
[ps: why is contentfully not a word? it's so descriptive; kind of like thinkative, which must not be confused with thoughtful.]
wearing sweatpants.

i should:
be drinking tea.
be listening to something nice.

in lieu of that, i am:
listening vicariously to radiohead from my basement and daft punk from upstairs. i guess it's a pretty nice compromise.

i am in the midst of:
reading The Cost of Discipleship [Nachfolge auf Deutsch] by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
it is incredible.
you absolutely must read it.
it will change your life, and your faith.
time is short. get real. and read this book.

i should:
be writing letters.
be typing letters on my typewriter.
probably be painting a picture, actually.

i am:
working every day this week. that's seven, in case you wondered.
making dinner tomorrow night.

i should:
be finding said recipe to make for dinner tomorrow night.

i am:
thinking a lot about england.
intrigued that christmas is coming so soon.
living in a very frigid state; i also live in the constant state of having a cold and/or dripping nose.
,however, not sick.

i should:
get up.
plug in my computer who is dying.
get a new guitar at some point.

i am:
stuck.
comfortably uncomfortable.
tempted to just go to bed.

the naughty boy.

we're snowed in today, and a raging blizzard is swirling about our snug home. the window screens have snow leopard spots, and are framed quite nicely with a white vignette. so, having been given a day off with nowhere to go and nowhere to be, i picked up a book that i just began a few days ago, and snuggled up with my blanket, Red, on a big comfy chair in our living room.


the book is A Treasury of Hans Christian Andersen, a thrift store find from this summer. it's delightful! he's so clever, and such a wonderfully interesting storyteller. i've read 6 or 7 stories so far, and laughed outright at points in all of them. 


here is a delightful short story called "The Naughty Boy". this isn't the same translation as i'm reading [i actually prefer Haugaard's version better!], as it sounds a little more archaic; but it works. a little timely wisdom, ne?




A long time ago, there lived an old poet, a thoroughly kind old poet. As he was sitting one evening in his room, a dreadful storm arose without, and the rain streamed down from heaven; but the old poet sat warm and comfortable in his chimney-comer, where the fire blazed and the roasting apple hissed.

"Those who have not a roof over their heads will be wetted to the skin," said the good old poet.

"Oh let me in! Let me in! I am cold, and I'm so wet!" exclaimed suddenly a child that stood crying at the door and knocking for admittance, while the rain poured down, and the wind made all the windows rattle.

"Poor thing!" said the old poet, as he went to open the door. There stood a little boy, quite naked, and the water ran down from his long golden hair; he trembled with cold, and had he not come into a warm room he would most certainly have perished in the frightful tempest.

"Poor child!" said the old poet, as he took the boy by the hand. "Come in, come in, and I will soon restore thee! Thou shalt have wine and roasted apples, for thou art verily a charming child!" And the boy was so really. His eyes were like two bright stars; and although the water trickled down his hair, it waved in beautiful curls. He looked exactly like a little angel, but he was so pale, and his whole body trembled with cold. He had a nice little bow in his hand, but it was quite spoiled by the rain, and the tints of his many-colored arrows ran one into the other.

The old poet seated himself beside his hearth, and took the little fellow on his lap; he squeezed the water out of his dripping hair, warmed his hands between his own, and boiled for him some sweet wine. Then the boy recovered, his cheeks again grew rosy, he jumped down from the lap where he was sitting, and danced round the kind old poet.

"You are a merry fellow," said the old man. "What's your name?"

"My name is Cupid," answered the boy. "Don't you know me? There lies my bow; it shoots well, I can assure you! Look, the weather is now clearing up, and the moon is shining clear again through the window."

"Why, your bow is quite spoiled," said the old poet.

"That were sad indeed," said the boy, and he took the bow in his hand -and examined it on every side. "Oh, it is dry again, and is not hurt at all; the string is quite tight. I will try it directly." And he bent his bow, took aim, and shot an arrow at the old poet, right into his heart. "You see now that my bow was not spoiled," said he laughing; and away he ran.

The naughty boy, to shoot the old poet in that way; he who had taken him into his warm room, who had treated him so kindly, and who had given him warm wine and the very best apples!

The poor poet lay on the earth and wept, for the arrow had really flown into his heart.

"Fie!" said he. "How naughty a boy Cupid is! I will tell all children about him, that they may take care and not play with him, for he will only cause them sorrow and many a heartache."

And all good children to whom he related this story, took great heed of this naughty Cupid; but he made fools of them still, for he is astonishingly cunning. When the university students come from the lectures, he runs beside them in a black coat, and with a book under his arm. It is quite impossible for them to know him, and they walk along with him arm in arm, as if he, too, were a student like themselves; and then, unperceived, he thrusts an arrow to their bosom. When the young maidens come from being examined by the clergyman, or go to church to be confirmed, there he is again close behind them. Yes, he is forever following people. At the play, he sits in the great chandelier and burns in bright flames, so that people think it is really a flame, but they soon discover it is something else. He roves about in the garden of the palace and upon the ramparts: yes, once he even shot your father and mother right in the heart. Ask them only and you will hear what they'll tell you. Oh, he is a naughty boy, that Cupid; you must never have anything to do with him. He is forever running after everybody. Only think, he shot an arrow once at your old grandmother! But that is a long time ago, and it is all past now; however, a thing of that sort she never forgets. Fie, naughty Cupid! But now you know him, and you know, too, how ill-behaved he is!

-Hans Christian Andersen, source

fam bam.

i love my family.

we had a family reunion this weekend. the Swansen Family Christmas Party, to be exact. and there were exactly zero Swansens in attendance!

it's my mom's-side-of-the-family party, and my grandma is one of the original cousins belonging to Grandpa & Grandma [August and Emma, aren't they sweet names??] Swansen.

my great-great-Gma Swansen was legit! i'm going to write a post about her soon. we got to hear the story of the family, and some of the times they went through, and hear how all of us various people were related to one another. my favorite part was when my mom's cousin read excerpts from Emma's diaries, which were primarily about her grand- [and great-grand and great-great-grand] children, with little bits about herself.

she loved the Lord so much!!!!! what an incredible family heritage i have! i was so blessed hearing how she trusted and honored and sought the Lord with her whole heart, and prayed fervently for her 5 daughters and 12 grandchildren and many many others. i know that i am who i am in part because of her prayers. one of my mom's cousins said afterwards, "it's almost shocking to realize just how many people your personal decisions affect. where you live, what you do for a living, who you marry, how you live your life: it all can change a family's history." makes me want to live wisely and humbly and godly. i want to produce much, good, lasting fruit, and leave a good heritage behind.

August and Emma were people with humble beginnings, as a milkman and a maid in Minneapolis, but their lives of faith are still bearing fruit. countless pastors, missionaries, and devoted Christians have been raised up among their offspring. i got to read a little bit for the whole family from Emma's diaries- prayers of faith and trust. my heart echoed her sentiments entirely!

saturday was jam-packed full of fun! it was my dear grandma's 80th birthday, so the Swansens got the celebrating off on the right foot. and boy, did we have good Swedish food. mmm. later that evening, my mom's brothers, one cousin, and my whole family [right on down to the nephews!] went out for yet another delicious meal, and an relaxing evening laughing by the fireplace. it was a very special day.

i can't believe i'll be leaving in a few months. i so treasure this year i've spent in close company with my family again. i know i'm a bit of a globetrotter, but MN will always be "home," and my family will always be my most favorite company. we're great! i hope i have many more seasons of living near them and seeing them regularly. cause you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family! you're stuck with what you've got! and i love mine. :)

it's beginning to look a lot like..

come over and enjoy the peace and quiet with me. tonight it's to the tune of bon iver's "for emma, forever ago".

02 december 10.

put up a cover of a longtime favorite song called "hard to get," by rich mullins. he only did a rough recording of it before he died, and it's wonderful. this song is about not understanding God, but coming to the point of resting in Him anyway, without full comprehension. i love the last line. "i can't see how You're leading me, unless You've led me here, to where i'm lost enough to let myself be led. and so You've been here all along i guess; it's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get." be blessed, and trust Him, even when you don't get Him. He loves us.
love a.

i am.

:listening to The Civil Wars. today is the first day i've heard them. i love them. i love the way their songs twist together like gnarled tree branches and wind. i love their voices. i love the way they stare each other down as they sing. yep, good stuff. bought their ep after getting two free songs on noisetrade, then youtube-stalking them, and then hearing rave reviews from a couple friends. trés agréable.

:thinking about christmas. and loving the fact that i have a whole month in which to savor and enjoy and prepare for it, instead of the usual 3 or 4 days. it's practically an eternity!

:wearing my slippers, which resemble polar bear feet, sans claws.

:pondering light and darkness. this has been a several week ponderment. [ponderosa? just kidding.] we who once were darkness... called out of darkness... into marvelous light... made light... are vessels of light... are light... and therefore oughtn't be darkness anymore... and yet we are in the midst of a broken, crooked perverse world, among whom we shine as lights! and then there's isaiah 58-62. and a myriad of NT references to light and darkness. i'm enthralled. and exhorted. and sobered. eph 4-6. and everywhere else!

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 

[for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth],

finding out what is acceptable to the Lord.

And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.

For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret.

But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light.

Therefore He says: "Awake, you who sleep, arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light."

See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise,

redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. [eph 5:8-17]

and one more passage that's been in my head for days:

Do all things without complaining and disputing,

that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation,

among whom you shine as lights in the world,

holding fast the word of life, 

so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. [phil 2:14-16]

i want to hold fast the word of life!!!!!! i don't want to get to the end and see that i've run in vain or labored in vain, by letting loose my grip upon the word of life. i need more of God's Word every day. and the more of it i absorb, the more i love it, the more understanding i have of it, and the more fruit i see the Spirit producing in my life, without any effort of my own! let's walk in the light.

:enjoying the snow in all its glory. i haven't gone out to play in it yet; i hope to soon. i mean, why not?? when appropriately dressed, wintertime is the most exhilarating season in which to partake in outdoor activities.. as long as the windchill remains tasteful.

:planning on watching Elf in the very near future.

:unsure about many things in the near and distant future, and blissfully happy and content nonetheless! i attribute it to peace that passes understanding, and some pretty faithful guarding of the heart and mind by my Savior, Christ Jesus. not knowing much has never felt so good! whatever comes, i know it'll be for the best.

:inspired to make a very lovely craft tomorrow!

:still really digging the national. oh MAN can he sing deep. check out "bloodbuzz ohio" and "apartment story". their songs are somewhat similar enough so i haven't yet discerned my faves beyond those. it's great grey day background music though. we'll stay inside till somebody finds us...

:going to go tinker with the sewing machine for a while.

mit lieb.